Think back to where you were a week ago. For me I was sitting in Iceland at my host families house, processing my time abroad with my classmates, here are some thoughts from that evening.
How will the idea of the sauna play out tonight sitting in Gunnar's living room?
The questions posed are these:
What have you learned about yourselves?
What have you learned about the church as in Christ Church?
How has this experience broadened my horizons? A cultured person has broader horizons.
The thought trains will not stop running as I reflect on Iceland and Norway, these thoughts are my own and raw as can be.
I have learned so much about the church and seeing how church works outside the walls. The thinking of the National Church is that those who live in your part of town would be considered to be in your parish. The parish model ensures that the Gospel is widely spread and it continues to be spread even when the first door closes. Parishes have a unique place in the church, it brings the church to the people where they are instead of making them come to us. The idea that it doesn't matter if they belong to the church means a great deal to me. It makes sense to simply minister to the people and it honestly shouldn't matter if they are members or not, we all need God's love.
Along this concept comes the nudity point that I have been wrestling with. The idea that individuals here are conditioned to be okay in their skin is something that is wonderful. It may be ideal in every context but it brings a new sense of being who God made you to be in every sense. It has helped me come to terms with the sense of being transgender and how I hate how my body doesn't match what my mind sees. I understand that others see me as a male but it is still a struggle to see myself like that when I get misgendered because of my voice or something else. Thinking about the idea of growing up with the idea that it is okay to be who you are and to be confident in your skin is something I am hoping to take back with me and to teach those I interact with.
One thing that I have been extremely bothered by since entering in the ministry and in seminary is the concept that it matters if someone is a member or not, Jesus didn't know who he was ministering to so why should we? We bring to ministry the life experiences that we have and bring the passions that we have found with us into ministry. It is a fantastic thing but if we are worried solely about the people in the pews and the numbers then the ministry that we are doing will die. We will face burn out at a higher rate if we do not find things that give us life and things that are away from the church. We need to find the saunas that give us a detox in our everyday life, we need to find a pastor to be our pastor.
Other interesting things I have learned about myself is the fact that I process the best when I write, so why am I not doing more of this in my daily life? I enjoy being the observers because I pick up on things that I may miss if I am more of a talker. I know that I need to ask the questions that I have in my mind and be more assertive but that is nothing new for me. I have an innocent mind and still despite being a teenage boy I normally don't understand the jokes about sex or other inappropriate things. I find peace in the mornings but can be active at night if needed. The way I recharge is the same way as others but at different times. I have learned that I do not handle change in temperature very well and I am always hot, no matter how cold it is outside. The walls that were once up have been taken down with this group and I am a happier and lighter person because of it.
I shared with people what has been on my mind lately and what I have learned and I realized why I was in that moment that it's okay to not know everything. At the very beginning of the trip, Gunnar stated that this was not only a learning environment for the Americans but also for the pastors that we have interacted with. A new perspective can give new life to something that is old and mundane. It provides new insight and a new way of thinking. I need to be able to be open to hear these things and learn these things in my ministry and in my every day life. I think everyone is a good person and has a lot to give and I know that if I just give them a chance, they will shine bright in what's they are doing.
This whole experience has given me insight on how I want to live my life. I want to not only live it for God but also for others, the neighbor, the stranger. Above all else I want to live. My life for myself, that means being who I am and recognizing when I need things and making sure I ask for them. I enjoy being self sufficient and I know that others can be too but when needed I can care for others in a way that I have been cared for in the past. The way we live our life is a reflection of who we are, who we are on a level that sometimes even surprises us. How am I able to keep that up when I struggle with who I am? I am glad this trip happened at the time t is when I am in my transition. The last time I traveled abroad I was trying to figure out who I was, I thought that taking a skirt to Wales would be the thing to do, I never did wear it and even bought a pair of pants because it was getting cold and my shorts were falling apart. This trip I was able to embrace who I was and be confident in that. I wore a suit jacket and a tie to meet the president, while I felt warm I felt confident. There was no way anyone would confuse me for my biological sex, I was male and I am male.
A professor of mine talked about baptizing your imagination this past fall and I never fully understand what that means until now. My imagination has been strengthened and expanded to limits that I have never seen before. The way I will be doing ministry will be forever different because of the imagination that others have shared and how that has impacted me.
I have been in the states for less then a week, life has come and go and I am still figuring out how Iceland and Norway has impacted my life. It's a strange thing to think that a place where I only spent nineteen days of my life has such a lasting impact of my life but I guess that is the power of the Holy Spirit at work. I am excited to see what else I will discover as more time passes.
Heavenly Father, thank you for the never ending blessing of the friendships that have been created abroad. Allow my heart to continue to be open to what you want to show me and lead me to where you call. Hold your children close as discernment happens all around us and life gets back to a normal pace. Amen.
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