New Horizons

Throughout J-term we were asked, "What are you learning about yourself?" Even though we went to Iceland to learn about the church life there, the experience became a mirror upon which to reflect back and see ourselves. The insights I have gained about myself may seem small or insignificant. But it is in these details that I recognize myself as a child of God and my baptismal identity and vocation is renewed.

On the flight home, the sun was on the horizon for most of our flight (due to crossing time zones). So, coming home for me means capturing these small details and glimpses that I received in Iceland and imagining and integrating these new horizons into my identity and vocation.

Identity

            I discovered my name, Kristi, means "belongs to Christ" in Norwegian, and this hits me on a deep level. God is the source of my life and my salvation. My identity is rooted in my Christ and my worthiness comes from my identity as a child of God.

            I learned the church belongs to Christ. If Christ is at the center and core, then I am free to innovate and improvise.

            I have unpacked some cultural messages that are part of my upbringing and examined them in light of other cultural values and contexts. I see new possibilities and can let go of the sources of my fear or shame.

            I am a recovering rescuer and reactor. I am learning to think for myself, articulate my needs, and let others do the same.     

            Vulnerability is my strength, not my weakness. But I will still get hurt. I can decide to trust and share who I am with people.

            I learned to show up and not hold back. I learned the power of being fully present and embodying a less-anxious presence.

Imagination

            I have a deep respect for the wind and I am humbled by the power of the earth.        

            I used to be afraid of the cold, but I lived in the extremes of cold, biting wind, freezing and hot steamy water. I am reminded how much I love to take walks in winter. Now, I take the longer route home just to feel the fresh air on my cheeks a bit longer.

            I feared darkness before going to Iceland. But now I see that darkness is beautiful because it defines the light in a way that light never could.

            I learned I often do not allow myself to be sick and it is hard for me to admit when I am hurt. I saw life and death in a new way and experienced permission to be human.

            I have learned that fear is my friend because it protects me, but I do not need to be controlled by it. I have learned that limits are healthy; limits are built into nature for a reason and even the best things in life need limits.

            I am challenged by pastors who serve all people compassionately with no questions asked. I want to see beyond the horizon of the congregation. I want the world to be my parish.

            I love input. I collect ideas, but I need a daily practice of output in order to not explode. I absorb the world like a sponge but need to wring it out once in awhile in order to see what sticks.

            I look at the world with a poet's eyes. I am a poet, not because I write poetry, but because I pay attention. I want to see the world with the lens of beauty, practice wonder, not judgment; and navigate the world with my senses.

Integration

            Immediately in Iceland, I realized how nourished I felt by the homemade, healthy food. As J-term went on, I felt stronger and saw a glow in myself. As I let go of emotional burdens I was carrying, my body seemed to release it physically as well.  I feel lighter in mind, body, and spirit and I need laughter and music as much as I need food and air.

            I learned to live with the lens of abundance and let go of the scarcity mentality. I had thought I would not buy much on the trip because I am often frugally-minded, in fact, it was this mentality that almost let me not to go on the trip in the first place. But I learned to delight in the little things and found myself buying little things "just because." And on the last day of the J-term, I found out an anonymous donor gave me a scholarship for no known reason other than "just because." I am shocked and can't make sense of it but I am learning to live with a sense of gratitude for what I have, rather than perpetual fear of not having enough.

            I recognized parts of myself in people, places, culture, that I had forgotten; just as we learned how people in the country church might recognize themselves in the faces of the altarpiece at the Lord's Supper. I am embracing my past experiences and want to integrate it all into my call to ministry: a leader in climate change, creative writing, cashier at a furniture store, working in nonprofit health organization, my own traumatic experiences, my Covenant upbringing and my Lutheran identity; my semester abroad and witness to the refugee crisis; my love of languages and desire to communicate across language barriers; my love of trying new things; and my practice of authenticity and wholehearted living.

            I learned that the questions, values, and goals that I brought on the trip are the things I most take away. The pilgrimage does not begin and end in Iceland. And I do not need to travel thousands of miles away in order to embrace this new way of being.

            Ultimately, I learned to receive; receive my identity in Christ.  

Gracious God, thank you for new experiences and the gift of imagination. As we return to our ordinary lives, show us your sacred presence. Guide us into new horizons and teach us to receive. In Christ's name, Amen.